Work – November 11th

So tonight my boss Enza came and visited me in the hospital. She brought me some paperwork to fill out for the short-term disability that I will be going on through work and also came for a visit to see how I was doing. She also to my suprise brought along a bag of goodies (thanks to everyone at work). there was some candy in there, oreo cookies, a nice blanket, pj’s, a craft kit and a word search book. There was also a card that everyone signed which I couldn’t read while Enza was here as it would have made me cry (however I read it when she left and it was nice to see the support from everyone!). I would like to thank my friends at work for their support. This is definately not an easy time being here, but it’s nice to know that people are thinking of me and my family.  It’s really nice to have visitors like that, they kinda bring back a bit of the real world to you. I have only been here 6 days, but already I feel very disconnected from life. I am no longer working and since I am on bed rest in a hospital in another city, my life routine is no more. I miss my husband most of all. even though he comes to visit (he was also here tonight), saying goodbye is so hard. We have never been apart before.  Even though I know that I will talk with him on MSN when he gets home, and will see him tomorrow, it’s very hard being alone here, especially when visiting hours are up. It’s really hard when you go from spending all your time together, doing things together (even the small things like grocery shopping) to being alone. Mark is at home all alone and I am at the hosptial without him. I feel very homesick today, but not homesick at the house itself or the city or the family, I miss my husband.

Since I have been pregnant, I have tried to include Mark as much as possible so that he can feel connected to Ayden even before he arrives into this world. Every morning when Mark woke me up, he would put his hand on my belly and feel Ayden move around. I would get him to feel Ayden when he was moving and he would even talk to Ayden at times as well. Now that I am in the hospital, only I get to experince what is going on. I always had this idea that the pregnant part of my life would be joyous and would be shared with my husband…now I feel alone….just me, the hospital and the nurses…Mark is not able to put his hand on my tummy in the morning….he is not able to feel the kicks when they happen….I know that in the grand scheme of things, having the baby at the end of all this is the reward, but it seems like every time I have a plan in my mind of what something is to be like it never works out that way.

It seems that Mark and I are in a constant struggle to have a family. Like we have to prove that we are worthy and that this is worth fighting for.

And we will keep fighting, no matter how hard it is, no matter if this puts physical distance between us, we will fight. I will do everything I can to have a healthy boy and Mark and I will be stronger because of it…but it does not mean that it is easy….

So Mark just left about 20 mins, I am finding it really hard to see him go at the end of visitng hours. The emotions are just so raw right now…I love him visiting and would not change that for the world, but the end is just so hard….

I am going to wait for the nurse to come in and do my blood pressure and pulse (which I am sure will be high as I feel very stressed right now)…