What a crazy couple of days…

Hi there…

As I am on mat leave and Ayden is still in the hospital, this makes for a very difficult and emotional time for me. It’s very hard to be off work when you don’t have your baby at home…so to remedy this, I have been going to the hospital almost every day since he was born.  It is quite a joy to see him, hold him, feel him, and just be at his side…but there is another part to being at the hospital that is very stressful.

Ayden’s health is doing much better. he is growing, he has baby chub, he cries when he needs something and he is just acting like a baby should. In my mind I know that he still needs to be at the hospital, but in my heart I just want to bring him home. The drive to and from Hamilton every day is getting quite exhausting. Being at the hospital is not just about Ayden. There are doctor’s, nurses, social workers, other parents etc. It’s a very stressful environment and very hard to just focus on the reason why you are there…to be with your baby.

To start off with, Ayden is on a schedule at the hospital (as most babies should be). Every 3 hours they change his diaper, feed him, change his position and do all sorts of things. This time is what is called “handling time”. Outside of these times the nurses leave Ayden alone. Since Ayden has been getting better, i have been holding him each time I go to the hospital. He cuddles into me now that he does not have his CPAP on, and we just sit in the chair spending time together. This is as much important for my well being as it is for his growth. Its actually very well documented that a mother’s touch helps the baby regulate his heart beat, regulate his oxygen and just become relaxed…and you see this with the monitors when I hold him.

The problem that I have been faced with as of late is the nurses. (not all of them are included here..just a select few).

The drive to Hamilton takes about an hour and 15 mins or sometimes depending on traffic an hour and 45 minutes one way. I have on several occasions arrived at the hospital in between handle times, mostly due to the drive and traffic on the way in. Most of the nurses don’t care when you arrive. Their thought and attitude is that your there, you get to hold your son…there are some other nurses on the other hand that abide by this rule very strictly.

On Tuesday this week, I arrive at the hospital in between handle times. Needless to say the nurse that was on that day was new to the ward (only being in the position for 6 months), but she was also new to Ayden. She had been debriefed on his situation by the night nurse so she knew what treatment to provide. when I arrived at the hospital, Ayden was wide awake so I asked to hold him. The nurse’s response was…”I am sorry, you can’t hold your son as it is not the time”….I was rather upset at this, but I was understanding to the hospital’s rules about his schedule so I patiently waited for the next hour and a half until it was the right time. We had a really nice snuggle!
As I was leaving for the day, I told the nurse to put in the chart that I would be in the next morning in time for “handle time” so as to not upset the schedule. She was cool with that.

On Wednesday morning, I left the house at 7:30 knowing that traffic was going to be rather heavy in the morning. I arrived at the hospital a few minutes before 9 and was so looking forward to holding and spending time with Ayden. I went into see him and low and behold the same nurse was on from the day before. I asked how his night was and he was doing great. Then I said…well I am here before “handle time” so as to not upset the schedule, can I please have a snuggle….
The nurses response to this was…”Sorry, you can’t hold your son. I did his handle time a bit early today…so sorry you can’t hold him”….

I FREAKED

Now looking back, I could have handled this a lot better, but you have to understand, we are under a lot of stress with him in the hospital, postpartum emotions are a killer as well, and MOMMA BEAR reared her ugly head. I have never seen the likes of this before in myself….

I actually YELLED at the nurse. I told her that I was pissed off that she was denying me access to hold my son especially since she knew that I was coming in this morning. then I started crying and stormed off….(as I said, looking back this could have been handled a lot better but it just got to me. I was told the day before to follow their rules for his schedule, yet when I did, the hospital denied me access cause they didn’t follow the schedule…)

So I went and got my phone from the car and called Mark. I was bawling on the phone with him…he tried to calm me down but there is only so much one can take…

I saw our social worker standing at the elevator. I hung up on Mark (LOL) and went to get the social worker. I am sure that she was off to a meeting or something, but she saw how upset I was and we went into the empty family room to talk.

I told her about what had happened, but also relayed that this was the 3rd time a nurse had told me that I was not “allowed” to hold or touch my son. I told her how I am doing my best to follow their schedule, but they are not…and I was paying the price for it. I also told her about the diaper incident from a few days before.

(Now just to show my compassion, if Ayden has a full tummy or if he is fussy or sleeping, I will leave him be. This is not just about me…)

The social worker let me stay in the family room to calm down and she went into speak with the nurse. A few minutes later the social worker arrived back to speak with me. She said that by the time she got into the NICU the charge nurse (the head nurse) was already at the bedside speaking with the nurse who denied me access. She relayed to me that the charge nurse agreed that Ayden was wide awake, his food had only been started 10 mins earlier so his tummy was not full and she did not understand why I could not hold him. The social worker also relayed the diaper issue and the charge nurse was quite upset with what happened. As Mark indicated in an earlier post, I was told that since he is getting bigger, if his diaper needs changing and it is not the right time and we request it, it should be done. If the nurse refuses we are to call the charge nurse to handle the situation.

So the social worker brought me back into the NICU for a snuggle with my son. The nurse apologized to me, but she does not understand what we are going through. I accepted the apology but even now it upsets me…

I had a snuggle, but since I was so upset, I think Ayden could feel it and he was fussy. It was not an enjoyable snuggle so I had them put him back into the incubator and I left…upset.

i did have a meeting with the social worker again before I got to my car. She completely understands the stress that I am feeling and said that this incident was uncalled for but also that my feelings, stress and anxiety are completly normal for someone in our position. I had a really nice talk with her and it calmed me down a lot. She suggested that since I had been there every day and even twice a day this past little while, that I take a break for me. On one hand I felt really guilty, but on the other I felt relieved that she was giving me permission to take some time off.

So yesterday I just relaxed at home. I had a doc’s appointment, but other then that I had a nice day. I did call for an update last night to see how Ayden was doing.

Amy (one of our favoritae nurses) was on yesterday…and thank goodness. I guess she heard about what happend and she was really upset. She even said that this was uncalled for. We have been working with Amy from the beginning so she knows us really well. It was really nice to get her take on it, but also made me feel good knowing that I spoke up and did the right thing.

As I said, this time in my life is something that I don’t think I can even explain in words. The emotions, stress and struggle  you go through is exhausting. The stress is something I have never experienced before either. There are days that I can’t even think straight or talk properly cause I am just overwhelmed. I know that worrying about your child is part of parenthood, but this is over and above a “normal” start to a child’s life or a mother’s worry…

Anyways, I got results and that is what I wanted. If I hear the words..”You can’t hold your son” and there is no reason behind it…I will know not to fly off the handle and to just ask for the charge nurse. But it really hurts when someone tells you that you can’t hold your own baby…